Chicken soup? Dear Mike, I haven’t cooked chicken soup in years. While you were so consumed by wicked thoughts about ways to get rid of Conduit you obviously didn’t notice what you were eating.
Now, I could be wrong… but I’d bet my bottom dollar that what Mike was eating was some of Conduit’s Purina Fancy Feast, probably his Sliced Chicken Hearts and Liver Feast in Gravy (http://www.fancyfeast.com/gourmet-cat-products/wet-cat-food/sliced/chicken-hearts-liver-feast-in-gravy). Look familiar? Yummy! Now I know why the pet food bill has gone up the past few weeks. Well, it is top rated gourmet cat food and if it is good enough for my Conduit, it has to be delicious, so go for it Mike – I am 100% behind your new eating regime.
Mike’s new diet will also help us save some much needed pocket money for my upcoming vacation with Conduit. Yes, I have decided to take matters into my own hands so Mike no longer has to figure out sneaky plans to get rid of Conduit. I am going to remove Conduit (and me!) from the house for a nice long vacation. Our plans are coming together nicely:
• Pet passport – CHECK
• Person passport – CHECK
• New matching designer vacation outfits for Conduit and I- CHECK
As soon as I can get my annual leave approved, we are hopping on a plane and out of here. Conduit and I are thinking Egypt – at least one place in the world where people know how to treat cats. Did you know that in Egypt killing a cat, even by accident, resulted in the death penalty? Don’t worry Mike… I’ll make sure the pantry is stocked with Purina so you won’t starve while Conduit and I are having fun in the hot African sun.
Of course I have CCS. I also have ZTFSS (Zero Tolerance for a Silly Man) and I am getting quite annoyed with Mike and his vendetta against my sweetest sweet Conduit. Maybe I should do what he does and see how it feels. He is plotting to get rid of Conduit, so maybe I should plot to get rid of Mike for a while. Hmm.. I could do with a break away from his madness to spend some quality time with Conduit. We’d eat lovely dinners together, cuddle on the couch and take nice long walks in the park. I’ve placed an online order for Conduit’s very own little leash – encrusted with genuine Swarovski crystals. Now just to get rid of Mike for a week or so before he finds a way to get rid of Conduit first. Maybe if he is away for a while, he will miss Conduit and stop trying to figure out a way how to get rid of Conduit. I can’t believe the things Mike told me this week! First he said that Conduit should be banned from HIS garage (like it’s his and not ours!) because my poor innocent kitty used the garage floor instead of his litter tray. Of course that is not true, Mike must be smelling his sweaty socks he leaves all over the place. When I told him that, he said he can’t be held accountable should one of his weights drop on poor Conduit’s head. As if he ever uses any of those white elephants sitting in the garage. Fancies himself as some muscleman… well I wish he would start exercising another one of his muscles…. the one between his ears! If he thought about it properly, he would see that Conduit is really an excellent family member, more like a child than a pet. He would also start realizing that he is completely delusional about his health and about losing weight, if anything he has gained around his waist from all the beers he is sneaking into the garage – his arms and legs just look skinnier because of the big beer belly. Thanks to my healthy cooking, it is not a serious problem – well not yet. If it was left up to Mike, all he would eat is meat, if I turned my back he’d probably eat Conduit too!
Well, that’s it, if he wants to play games, bring it on! Time for me to start planning too………
Want to get rid of Conduit?
- Save Conduit! (getridofconduit.com)