Merry Christmas and… No More for Plotting to get rid of Conduit!

Loud belch? That is Conduit whimpering in fear of being forcefully floated to space by Mike! Tie his little paws.. saying he is an alcoholic, calling him fat! How could Mike be so cruel? At first I thought we could sort this out with reasoning, I tried to suggest Mike take some time to get to know our kitty cat instead of plotting to get rid of Conduit but no, he is not interested. Then I thought I have to get tough to get through to him. Well getting tough didn’t work either. When I told Mike that the La-Z-Boy I got him for his birthday is now Conduit’s, he just moved it into the garage and locked Conduit out for good. Then, he started tormenting poor Conduit behind my back (yeah Mike, I see it!). Can you believe that he put scotch tape on Conduit’s paws? When I got home and saw it he said it’s to protect his leather couch from being scratched, but I saw him biting his cheeks, barely controlling cruel laughter. How horrible, poor Conduit was limping around all day long with nobody to comfort him. I also heard him calling Conduit names like fatso, nuisance, terror and ugly fur ball. He even called Conduit stinky farty-twinkle-toes when he was wearing his pink Hello Kitty onesie. Everybody knows that boys and girls can both now wear blue and pink. Does he not know he is hurting Conduit’s feelings? He is the one causing Conduit to comfort eat. If I was insulted all the time I would also be scoffing Ben & Jerry’s by the tub. For a while I lost hope of ever sorting this out and really feared that I could not stop Mike from executing his plan to get rid of Conduit but then I had a brainwave, and it’s all about Christmas. I know exactly what’s on my Christmas list and after Christmas it will be smooth sailing between Conduit and Mike.

Conduit’s Christmas List:

• His own La-Z-Boy
• An ‘I Love My Daddy’ vest like this http://www.miniinthebox.com/i-love-my-daddy-cool-vest-for-pets-dogs-assorted-sizes_p714906.html
• Some more cute cat outfits from Cat Toure http://www.cat-toure.com/category/hoodies
• The Ben & Jerry’s range
• A de-stressing day spa and massage voucher

Mike’s Christmas List:

• Self-help books
• Anger management classes
That should do it, by boxing day we should have all these issues ‘wrapped up’. The three of us could even go on holiday together in the new year.

#Sparkly_Cindy_Ready_For_Christmas

Christmas - How not to get rid of Conduit

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Want to get rid of Conduit? Be Afraid… be VERY Afraid

Of course I have CCS. I also have ZTFSS (Zero Tolerance for a Silly Man) and I am getting quite annoyed with Mike and his vendetta against my sweetest sweet Conduit. Maybe I should do what he does and see how it feels. He is plotting to get rid of Conduit, so maybe I should plot to get rid of Mike for a while. Hmm.. I could do with a break away from his madness to spend some quality time with Conduit. We’d eat lovely dinners together, cuddle on the couch and take nice long walks in the park. I’ve placed an online order for Conduit’s very own little leash – encrusted with genuine Swarovski crystals. Now just to get rid of Mike for a week or so before he finds a way to get rid of Conduit first. Maybe if he is away for a while, he will miss Conduit and stop trying to figure out a way how to get rid of Conduit. I can’t believe the things Mike told me this week! First he said that Conduit should be banned from HIS garage (like it’s his and not ours!) because my poor innocent kitty used the garage floor instead of his litter tray. Of course that is not true, Mike must be smelling his sweaty socks he leaves all over the place. When I told him that, he said he can’t be held accountable should one of his weights drop on poor Conduit’s head. As if he ever uses any of those white elephants sitting in the garage. Fancies himself as some muscleman… well I wish he would start exercising another one of his muscles…. the one between his ears! If he thought about it properly, he would see that Conduit is really an excellent family member, more like a child than a pet. He would also start realizing that he is completely delusional about his health and about losing weight, if anything he has gained around his waist from all the beers he is sneaking into the garage – his arms and legs just look skinnier because of the big beer belly. Thanks to my healthy cooking, it is not a serious problem – well not yet. If it was left up to Mike, all he would eat is meat, if I turned my back he’d probably eat Conduit too!
Well, that’s it, if he wants to play games, bring it on! Time for me to start planning too………

#SuperCin

Want to get rid of Conduit?

Want to get rid of Conduit?

Get Rid of Conduit!!!

Darn it!

Mike here, and I thought I’d update you on our little situation while Cindy is sleeping. See, for her birthday, I got my wife a present. A present that I have begun to think should have been flowers and a gift card to the Gap. Cindy and I had been together for some time now, and we were like two peas in a pod, or well, 2 balls of yarn tied together with the same piece of string. I’ll get to the analogy in a minute, but a sneak preview is: Get rid of Conduit. That’s his name, the other one competing for my affections. And yes, Conduit is our Cat, not another man. That’s why he’s got to go. At least another guy I could get rid of easy, like calling the police and telling them I have a burglar in my house, a little frame-up never hurt anybody right? But now I have a Cat Burglar, one whose little whiskers and soft meowing, seem to make him more fun to spend time with over me. I mean, I even started meowing in Cindy’s ear this morning, and said “meow, meow, time to change my litter hunny”. I think perhaps I wasn’t as suave as Conduit is when he does it. That is why I have to get rid of Conduit; Conduit must go. I even tried cooking a romantic dinner of whiskers cat food, and served it in the little pink dish my wife seems to love to serve Conduit in, but she just made a face and blew out the candles. I think she is starting to wake up now, better try out my second idea of scratching up all her nice clothes. Just kidding. Or am I…
Yours truly,
#Mike_the_Main_Man_and_not_some_loser_cat_named_Conduit

Get rid of Conduit
Get rid of Conduit!!!
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