How to Get Rid of Conduit for Good – Volume 2

remove conduit to moscow

Remove Conduit to Moscow!

Hello again, Mike here. I noticed Cindy did not write anything yet, which I think is a secret sign that I am winning her over and her defenses are starting to break. See, in that last post, I gave some very good reasons as to why we had to remove Conduit from our house. I even offered to send him on a wonderful vacation far away, at this point I am considering Alaska or Moscow. I think it is important for everyone, especially cats, to get out and see the world. This is one of the many reasons that I think we have to get rid of Conduit.

 

He just spends his time in his lazy boy chair, chugging down my beers like they were milk, and is not seeing the world. I am starting to worry that Conduit will lose his social skills if he does not leave soon, and that is why Conduit must go. I already have a great travel agent that can send him packing- I mean help Conduit to pack up any and all necessities that he will need for his adventure. I’ll make sure he has enough milk for the flight, but no beers, as he might get arrested going through airport security. I mean, if I saw that cat I would think he was suspicious. I am thinking Cindy is beginning to come around to my way of thinking, my more logical analytical and sound reasoning, and that is why she has not posted anything recently. Age-old logic and reason beat out sentimentality any day, right? I am sure Cindy will be back soon posting about how badly we have to get rid of Conduit, and then I can finally go back to hitting the gym without worry of Conduit losing his ability to meet other felines. Until next time, fellow cat-removal supporters!
#MikeTheWinner

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How to Get Rid of Conduit for Good

This past holiday season could not have been more festive, except for the extended stay of our own little orange santa-claws. I tried putting him back up the chimney, but Cindy would have nothing of it. Must be a chick thing?

Holiday with Conduit the cat

Also, I think I am seeing things. I was on Google maps the other day searching for a simple way to get rid of Conduit and send him on his vacation, when Conduit Road in Hong Kong came up. I clicked on Conduit Road and I started liking it more and more. It is very high up within the city and a perfect place for Conduit the Cat to visit for an extended period of time. And what is up with Cindy talking about my belly and my beers? I think she should be worried how Conduit is able to imbibe so much alcohol while keeping off the weight. It’s just not natural. Besides, I have only been gaining weight because Conduit is making me eat too much ice cream. With Conduit taking all of the affections of my wife Cindy, and my beers as well, I have sunk into a depression that causes me to fill the void with Ice Cream. That is my psyche-ological issue. Ha! If it were that simple! I am perfectly fine, except that I am getting Cat-itis, a rare form of a very dangerous condition in which I have to tolerate a small furry beast that pretends to be cute, but is really conniving. I am not sure yet of all of the side-effects of Cat-itis, but I would prefer not to find out. In fact, I really need to save Cindy too, so it is a shame that police officer had not read up on the dangers of Cat-itis on WebMD. He would not take Conduit in for being under the influence, and now Cindy and I are in real danger. That is why I really need to figure out a smart way to Get Rid of Conduit. Conduit must go and this time, he won’t be coming back…

#MikeTheCatWarriorRocks

Merry Christmas and… No More for Plotting to get rid of Conduit!

Loud belch? That is Conduit whimpering in fear of being forcefully floated to space by Mike! Tie his little paws.. saying he is an alcoholic, calling him fat! How could Mike be so cruel? At first I thought we could sort this out with reasoning, I tried to suggest Mike take some time to get to know our kitty cat instead of plotting to get rid of Conduit but no, he is not interested. Then I thought I have to get tough to get through to him. Well getting tough didn’t work either. When I told Mike that the La-Z-Boy I got him for his birthday is now Conduit’s, he just moved it into the garage and locked Conduit out for good. Then, he started tormenting poor Conduit behind my back (yeah Mike, I see it!). Can you believe that he put scotch tape on Conduit’s paws? When I got home and saw it he said it’s to protect his leather couch from being scratched, but I saw him biting his cheeks, barely controlling cruel laughter. How horrible, poor Conduit was limping around all day long with nobody to comfort him. I also heard him calling Conduit names like fatso, nuisance, terror and ugly fur ball. He even called Conduit stinky farty-twinkle-toes when he was wearing his pink Hello Kitty onesie. Everybody knows that boys and girls can both now wear blue and pink. Does he not know he is hurting Conduit’s feelings? He is the one causing Conduit to comfort eat. If I was insulted all the time I would also be scoffing Ben & Jerry’s by the tub. For a while I lost hope of ever sorting this out and really feared that I could not stop Mike from executing his plan to get rid of Conduit but then I had a brainwave, and it’s all about Christmas. I know exactly what’s on my Christmas list and after Christmas it will be smooth sailing between Conduit and Mike.

Conduit’s Christmas List:

• His own La-Z-Boy
• An ‘I Love My Daddy’ vest like this http://www.miniinthebox.com/i-love-my-daddy-cool-vest-for-pets-dogs-assorted-sizes_p714906.html
• Some more cute cat outfits from Cat Toure http://www.cat-toure.com/category/hoodies
• The Ben & Jerry’s range
• A de-stressing day spa and massage voucher

Mike’s Christmas List:

• Self-help books
• Anger management classes
That should do it, by boxing day we should have all these issues ‘wrapped up’. The three of us could even go on holiday together in the new year.

#Sparkly_Cindy_Ready_For_Christmas

Christmas - How not to get rid of Conduit

How to Get Rid of Conduit! Or… Have You Ever Heard about A Cat with A Beer Belly?

How to get rid of Conduit?

He’s crazy I tell ya

How to get rid of Conduit…I could send him up into the sky by accident with a whole bunch of helium balloons, and tie his paws so those pesky sharp nails don’t cut him loose. Or I could just borrow my friend’s dog and scare the…Cat out of him. Maybe Conduit will be gone once I get out of bed? What a great dream, too bad it wasn’t real…yet. Anyway, I see Cindy thinks I am a silly man and wants to get rid of me? Go for long walks on the beach with fancy crystal leashes with Conduit, while she has “gotten rid” of ME for a week? I think not! I also doubt a week away from that feline fatso will change my opinion of that household terror. What’s orange and furry and on its way out the door? You got it, Conduit the Cat, haha! Obviously about the garage Cindy and I share it, but since she has practically moved in with Conduit, and pushed me out, I need some place to go that is Conduit free. I hope she knows that he smells like sweaty socks, and I am starting to worry about that funny smell that I know is definitely only coming from him. I think Cindy is starting to view Conduit as if he was our baby, dressing him up in little onesies and t-shirts like “Hello Kitty”. She thinks I am bringing beers into the garage and that I am gaining weight from them, but I know Conduit is an alcoholic, and is really sneaking some beers from the garage and somehow mixing them with his milk in the mornings. After every few sips I could swear I hear a loud belch! I suspect something is up. That is why Conduit must go; we must get rid of conduit because it is not normal for a cat to be guzzling down beers in the morning. Cindy thinks I am not using my head, but if her cat-love is so blind that she can’t notice that Conduit is the one with the beer belly, than that is just another reason that Conduit must go.

#MikeAgainstAnythingThatMeows

How to Get Rid of Conduit? It’s Him or my Health!

How to get rid of Conduit?

This cat is unbelievable. Conduit cat even digs (my!!!) jam!

Meow! That darn Conduit has come into the garage again, trying to make it his new Olympic-sized litter box, no doubt. So Cindy thinks I have FAS (Feline Aversion Syndrome), huh? Well I think she has CC (Conduit Cat Syndrome. Yea, I said it. It’s this infectious little furry thing that before you know it is all over you, in your house and even like, glued to your wife. Hah! She thinks I don’t make any sense? So I guess” slfoasfjoas” doesn’t mean “Conduit” in gibberish then.

Anyway, on to happier topics…like how to get rid of Conduit. So now Conduit the cat has a place at the table, next to the main man Mike. Might as well get a little cat crown for Conduit. Last week he actually put his tail into my cream of mushroom soup and as it swished across my face, left me with a sort of mushroom soup mustache. I did not think it was very “distinguished”. Cindy made a wonderful steak which I soon learned was to be split between Conduit and I, fifty-fifty. Like that’s fair? I had to fill up on bread, and am starting to lose a bit of weight. That is why Conduit must go! See, being a bodybuilder like I am, requires a certain amount of protein. I recently started lifting weights…one..two…like that, in my new gym- the garage. This room was chosen because it did not yet have cat hair over everything. As I was lifting like, a ridiculous amount of weight, Conduit comes in, jumps on top of me, leans in really close to my ear, (I mean I could feel the breath of his recent Organic steak meal on my face), and he goes “Reooooow! I got so scared- I mean surprised (I don’t get scared) I almost dropped the massive barbells I was pressing, and honestly, almost died. I knew it would come to this, getting rid of Conduit or my health. And that is why Conduit must go. We must get rid of Conduit because my health depends on it. First the organic steak, then sneaking and jumping on me in the gym. I wish it could be any other way (yea right 😉 ), but Conduit must be removed from the house. See ya later fuzzball.

#Massive_Mike_The_Invincible

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