How to Get Rid of Conduit! Or… Have You Ever Heard about A Cat with A Beer Belly?

How to get rid of Conduit?

He’s crazy I tell ya

How to get rid of Conduit…I could send him up into the sky by accident with a whole bunch of helium balloons, and tie his paws so those pesky sharp nails don’t cut him loose. Or I could just borrow my friend’s dog and scare the…Cat out of him. Maybe Conduit will be gone once I get out of bed? What a great dream, too bad it wasn’t real…yet. Anyway, I see Cindy thinks I am a silly man and wants to get rid of me? Go for long walks on the beach with fancy crystal leashes with Conduit, while she has “gotten rid” of ME for a week? I think not! I also doubt a week away from that feline fatso will change my opinion of that household terror. What’s orange and furry and on its way out the door? You got it, Conduit the Cat, haha! Obviously about the garage Cindy and I share it, but since she has practically moved in with Conduit, and pushed me out, I need some place to go that is Conduit free. I hope she knows that he smells like sweaty socks, and I am starting to worry about that funny smell that I know is definitely only coming from him. I think Cindy is starting to view Conduit as if he was our baby, dressing him up in little onesies and t-shirts like “Hello Kitty”. She thinks I am bringing beers into the garage and that I am gaining weight from them, but I know Conduit is an alcoholic, and is really sneaking some beers from the garage and somehow mixing them with his milk in the mornings. After every few sips I could swear I hear a loud belch! I suspect something is up. That is why Conduit must go; we must get rid of conduit because it is not normal for a cat to be guzzling down beers in the morning. Cindy thinks I am not using my head, but if her cat-love is so blind that she can’t notice that Conduit is the one with the beer belly, than that is just another reason that Conduit must go.

#MikeAgainstAnythingThatMeows

Want to get rid of Conduit? Be Afraid… be VERY Afraid

Of course I have CCS. I also have ZTFSS (Zero Tolerance for a Silly Man) and I am getting quite annoyed with Mike and his vendetta against my sweetest sweet Conduit. Maybe I should do what he does and see how it feels. He is plotting to get rid of Conduit, so maybe I should plot to get rid of Mike for a while. Hmm.. I could do with a break away from his madness to spend some quality time with Conduit. We’d eat lovely dinners together, cuddle on the couch and take nice long walks in the park. I’ve placed an online order for Conduit’s very own little leash – encrusted with genuine Swarovski crystals. Now just to get rid of Mike for a week or so before he finds a way to get rid of Conduit first. Maybe if he is away for a while, he will miss Conduit and stop trying to figure out a way how to get rid of Conduit. I can’t believe the things Mike told me this week! First he said that Conduit should be banned from HIS garage (like it’s his and not ours!) because my poor innocent kitty used the garage floor instead of his litter tray. Of course that is not true, Mike must be smelling his sweaty socks he leaves all over the place. When I told him that, he said he can’t be held accountable should one of his weights drop on poor Conduit’s head. As if he ever uses any of those white elephants sitting in the garage. Fancies himself as some muscleman… well I wish he would start exercising another one of his muscles…. the one between his ears! If he thought about it properly, he would see that Conduit is really an excellent family member, more like a child than a pet. He would also start realizing that he is completely delusional about his health and about losing weight, if anything he has gained around his waist from all the beers he is sneaking into the garage – his arms and legs just look skinnier because of the big beer belly. Thanks to my healthy cooking, it is not a serious problem – well not yet. If it was left up to Mike, all he would eat is meat, if I turned my back he’d probably eat Conduit too!
Well, that’s it, if he wants to play games, bring it on! Time for me to start planning too………

#SuperCin

Want to get rid of Conduit?

Want to get rid of Conduit?

How to Get Rid of Conduit? It’s Him or my Health!

How to get rid of Conduit?

This cat is unbelievable. Conduit cat even digs (my!!!) jam!

Meow! That darn Conduit has come into the garage again, trying to make it his new Olympic-sized litter box, no doubt. So Cindy thinks I have FAS (Feline Aversion Syndrome), huh? Well I think she has CC (Conduit Cat Syndrome. Yea, I said it. It’s this infectious little furry thing that before you know it is all over you, in your house and even like, glued to your wife. Hah! She thinks I don’t make any sense? So I guess” slfoasfjoas” doesn’t mean “Conduit” in gibberish then.

Anyway, on to happier topics…like how to get rid of Conduit. So now Conduit the cat has a place at the table, next to the main man Mike. Might as well get a little cat crown for Conduit. Last week he actually put his tail into my cream of mushroom soup and as it swished across my face, left me with a sort of mushroom soup mustache. I did not think it was very “distinguished”. Cindy made a wonderful steak which I soon learned was to be split between Conduit and I, fifty-fifty. Like that’s fair? I had to fill up on bread, and am starting to lose a bit of weight. That is why Conduit must go! See, being a bodybuilder like I am, requires a certain amount of protein. I recently started lifting weights…one..two…like that, in my new gym- the garage. This room was chosen because it did not yet have cat hair over everything. As I was lifting like, a ridiculous amount of weight, Conduit comes in, jumps on top of me, leans in really close to my ear, (I mean I could feel the breath of his recent Organic steak meal on my face), and he goes “Reooooow! I got so scared- I mean surprised (I don’t get scared) I almost dropped the massive barbells I was pressing, and honestly, almost died. I knew it would come to this, getting rid of Conduit or my health. And that is why Conduit must go. We must get rid of Conduit because my health depends on it. First the organic steak, then sneaking and jumping on me in the gym. I wish it could be any other way (yea right 😉 ), but Conduit must be removed from the house. See ya later fuzzball.

#Massive_Mike_The_Invincible

Save Conduit!

Ok, my husband has developed some problems. I think he is suffering from feline anxiety syndrome, or possibly cat-aversion-a-ma-litis, or.. he’s just gone nuts. For some reason he has taken a disliking to my sweetest sweet kittycat and has even gone so far as to say he wants to get rid of Conduit. I just don’t get it. We have got to work something out.
Since the day I laid eyes on him, I knew he’d be in my life ’till death do us part. His gorgeous green eyes, his ginger hair… I’m talking about Conduit, not Mike. Sure, I love Mike too but he’s just not making sense lately. I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried suggesting counseling for the two of them, but Mike just did a silent scream and pulled at his hair – see really acting weird… I’ve tried to get him to take Conduit out with him, to the shops, out to see his mates or even to the garage where he is spending a lot of time lately, Mike just shook his head over and over and reversed out of the house – into the garage, of course. I have even made a place for Conduit at the dinner table every night so Mike could get to know him better. Mike just got angry when Conduit’s tail accidentally slipped into his soup. Then Conduit accidentally coughed up a tiny bit of organic steak (he must’ve bitten off a piece too big) and Mike turned redder than the beet in his plate and said: “We are going to get rid of Conduit!”

Well, I’m not having any of that, he gave me the cat for goodness’ sake and I am not going to let him get rid of Conduit. It was the best birthday present by far, like ever. Sure, anything can beat flowers (how unoriginal) and a gift voucher (how unimaginative!) but Mike getting me Conduit sure took the cake and there is no. way. on. earth. I’m going to let him get rid of Conduit.
#Cindy_determined_to_stop_the_MAD_man_Mike

Will not get rid of Conduit

Will NOT! get rid of Conduit

 

Get Rid of Conduit!!!

Darn it!

Mike here, and I thought I’d update you on our little situation while Cindy is sleeping. See, for her birthday, I got my wife a present. A present that I have begun to think should have been flowers and a gift card to the Gap. Cindy and I had been together for some time now, and we were like two peas in a pod, or well, 2 balls of yarn tied together with the same piece of string. I’ll get to the analogy in a minute, but a sneak preview is: Get rid of Conduit. That’s his name, the other one competing for my affections. And yes, Conduit is our Cat, not another man. That’s why he’s got to go. At least another guy I could get rid of easy, like calling the police and telling them I have a burglar in my house, a little frame-up never hurt anybody right? But now I have a Cat Burglar, one whose little whiskers and soft meowing, seem to make him more fun to spend time with over me. I mean, I even started meowing in Cindy’s ear this morning, and said “meow, meow, time to change my litter hunny”. I think perhaps I wasn’t as suave as Conduit is when he does it. That is why I have to get rid of Conduit; Conduit must go. I even tried cooking a romantic dinner of whiskers cat food, and served it in the little pink dish my wife seems to love to serve Conduit in, but she just made a face and blew out the candles. I think she is starting to wake up now, better try out my second idea of scratching up all her nice clothes. Just kidding. Or am I…
Yours truly,
#Mike_the_Main_Man_and_not_some_loser_cat_named_Conduit

Get rid of Conduit
Get rid of Conduit!!!
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