Traveling Cat

Conduit going on vacation…his final vacation. Cindy accused me of eating Conduit’s cat food, and I think this is one of the reasons Conduit must go. When a grown woman starts to accuse a grown man of eating cat, I think it is a sign that said pet needs to find a new home. I also think it is crazy for anyone to think I was capable of eating cat food, I was only licking the spoon to make sure it was clean for Conduit. 

The Great Sphinx of Giza

I can’t wait until Conduit gets to Egypt, perhaps they will worship him and he will live out his days in a pyramid. Conduit would probably undo all of the ancient cat worshiping if they had just gotten to know him, and what a cat is really capable of. I can’t wait for Conduit to go on his vacation with Cindy, and then hearing hows security would not let him on the plane because of those dangerous claws, shipping him off to a cat detention facility for life. This is why Conduit must truly, go, for Cindy’s safety. Once Conduit joins the “Big House”, he will make all kinda of devious friends and associates, who may eventually wind up at our home too. Maybe I should book a ticket and look out for Cindy before Conduit can go to jail and make all his jailbird friends our new house guests? I will start looking into flights now, and perhaps while we are all in Egypt I can drop Conduit off at the nearest pyramid before Cindy even notices he is missing…







In this week’s blog post, beware Conduit the Cat!

Wow. What a post by Cindy. All I can say is, this Cat has claws. I actually kind of like the idea of Conduit in Outer Mongolia, or maybe send him to Siberia. I guess we will then see how refined he really is, or should I say, re-felined. All we need is Conduit in Mongolia with Cindy and let us see how charming he really is. Away from his fancy bowl, which I have definitely never eater from. Yuck! I can’t believe Cindy would actually suggest that I am eating out of Conduit’s bowl! Especially when it is him eating out of mine! Every time I have Chicken Soup, Conduit waits and watches from his Lazy Boy chair until I get up for a beer run to the kitchen. When I come back, I usually find claw marks by my placemat and the chicken from the chicken soup gone. Cindy thinks I’m nuts for accusing Conduit, but then why does he mysteriously have a chicken bone in his paws? This is why Conduit must really go. When a man can’t have chicken in his chicken soup, his very manliness is at steak- I mean stake. See, Conduit has already gotten me worried about holding on to my meat, the staple food of any real man’s diet. I am a man, and not a mouse. Although I feel like a mouse with Conduit watching my every move. We must get rid of Conduit to protect Chicken Soup within our home, and the sanctity of manliness. Watch out Conduit, things are about to Cat-nip you in the behind!




Get rid of Conduit

How to Get Rid of Conduit for Good

This past holiday season could not have been more festive, except for the extended stay of our own little orange santa-claws. I tried putting him back up the chimney, but Cindy would have nothing of it. Must be a chick thing?

Holiday with Conduit the cat

Also, I think I am seeing things. I was on Google maps the other day searching for a simple way to get rid of Conduit and send him on his vacation, when Conduit Road in Hong Kong came up. I clicked on Conduit Road and I started liking it more and more. It is very high up within the city and a perfect place for Conduit the Cat to visit for an extended period of time. And what is up with Cindy talking about my belly and my beers? I think she should be worried how Conduit is able to imbibe so much alcohol while keeping off the weight. It’s just not natural. Besides, I have only been gaining weight because Conduit is making me eat too much ice cream. With Conduit taking all of the affections of my wife Cindy, and my beers as well, I have sunk into a depression that causes me to fill the void with Ice Cream. That is my psyche-ological issue. Ha! If it were that simple! I am perfectly fine, except that I am getting Cat-itis, a rare form of a very dangerous condition in which I have to tolerate a small furry beast that pretends to be cute, but is really conniving. I am not sure yet of all of the side-effects of Cat-itis, but I would prefer not to find out. In fact, I really need to save Cindy too, so it is a shame that police officer had not read up on the dangers of Cat-itis on WebMD. He would not take Conduit in for being under the influence, and now Cindy and I are in real danger. That is why I really need to figure out a smart way to Get Rid of Conduit. Conduit must go and this time, he won’t be coming back…


New Year’s Resolution – Getting Rid of Conduit!!


I mean Wow.

That cat must really be doing a number on my psyche. I can’t believe Cindy went backsies on my Lazy-boy chair, although I completely understand why. It’s called “lazy” and how much lazier can you get then Conduit? That is why I have to finally Get Rid of Conduit. Cindy is encouraging an atmosphere of laziness for this cat, when it should really be learning how to be useful. I mean isn’t it bad enough that Conduit is an alcoholic, now he is becoming addicted to laziness too? I am glad I was able to change the lock on the garage, because Conduit was sneaking in and drinking all my beers. That is really why Conduit must go, and this holiday season he will not be coming ho ho home! Haha! It is too bad Cindy didn’t appreciate the wisdom behind scotch-taping Conduit’s paws, how else can we stop him from drinking so many of my beers? Oh, and that laughter Cindy mentioned when I was biting my cheeks? It was laughter of joy, at saving Conduit from himself! Sheesh, and she really believes I don’t care about him? I mean, if the police came to our home in response to a drunk cat tip, I wouldn’t have to worry about How to Get Rid of Conduit. They would take him away themselves!

Although, I am getting a great idea to both help and get rid of Conduit. For the holidays, Cindy ordered some boring books for me. I think what I will do is take the left over scotch tape from Conduit’s paws and use it to tape him in a UPS box. I will then ship Conduit to a family far away, with lots of mice, in honor of the New Year, and he will also get some much needed rehabilitation. Maybe after a few months away from my garage and my beer he will finally improve. Happy and healthy New Year Conduit! Muaha aha…

#Mike the Excellent Cat-watcher

Happy New Year!!

Conduit, Grumpy cat, Happy new year

This grumpy cat is just hilarious. Why can’t Conduit be more like him?!

How to Get Rid of Conduit! Or… Have You Ever Heard about A Cat with A Beer Belly?

How to get rid of Conduit?

He’s crazy I tell ya

How to get rid of Conduit…I could send him up into the sky by accident with a whole bunch of helium balloons, and tie his paws so those pesky sharp nails don’t cut him loose. Or I could just borrow my friend’s dog and scare the…Cat out of him. Maybe Conduit will be gone once I get out of bed? What a great dream, too bad it wasn’t real…yet. Anyway, I see Cindy thinks I am a silly man and wants to get rid of me? Go for long walks on the beach with fancy crystal leashes with Conduit, while she has “gotten rid” of ME for a week? I think not! I also doubt a week away from that feline fatso will change my opinion of that household terror. What’s orange and furry and on its way out the door? You got it, Conduit the Cat, haha! Obviously about the garage Cindy and I share it, but since she has practically moved in with Conduit, and pushed me out, I need some place to go that is Conduit free. I hope she knows that he smells like sweaty socks, and I am starting to worry about that funny smell that I know is definitely only coming from him. I think Cindy is starting to view Conduit as if he was our baby, dressing him up in little onesies and t-shirts like “Hello Kitty”. She thinks I am bringing beers into the garage and that I am gaining weight from them, but I know Conduit is an alcoholic, and is really sneaking some beers from the garage and somehow mixing them with his milk in the mornings. After every few sips I could swear I hear a loud belch! I suspect something is up. That is why Conduit must go; we must get rid of conduit because it is not normal for a cat to be guzzling down beers in the morning. Cindy thinks I am not using my head, but if her cat-love is so blind that she can’t notice that Conduit is the one with the beer belly, than that is just another reason that Conduit must go.


How to Get Rid of Conduit? It’s Him or my Health!

How to get rid of Conduit?

This cat is unbelievable. Conduit cat even digs (my!!!) jam!

Meow! That darn Conduit has come into the garage again, trying to make it his new Olympic-sized litter box, no doubt. So Cindy thinks I have FAS (Feline Aversion Syndrome), huh? Well I think she has CC (Conduit Cat Syndrome. Yea, I said it. It’s this infectious little furry thing that before you know it is all over you, in your house and even like, glued to your wife. Hah! She thinks I don’t make any sense? So I guess” slfoasfjoas” doesn’t mean “Conduit” in gibberish then.

Anyway, on to happier topics…like how to get rid of Conduit. So now Conduit the cat has a place at the table, next to the main man Mike. Might as well get a little cat crown for Conduit. Last week he actually put his tail into my cream of mushroom soup and as it swished across my face, left me with a sort of mushroom soup mustache. I did not think it was very “distinguished”. Cindy made a wonderful steak which I soon learned was to be split between Conduit and I, fifty-fifty. Like that’s fair? I had to fill up on bread, and am starting to lose a bit of weight. That is why Conduit must go! See, being a bodybuilder like I am, requires a certain amount of protein. I recently started lifting weights…one..two…like that, in my new gym- the garage. This room was chosen because it did not yet have cat hair over everything. As I was lifting like, a ridiculous amount of weight, Conduit comes in, jumps on top of me, leans in really close to my ear, (I mean I could feel the breath of his recent Organic steak meal on my face), and he goes “Reooooow! I got so scared- I mean surprised (I don’t get scared) I almost dropped the massive barbells I was pressing, and honestly, almost died. I knew it would come to this, getting rid of Conduit or my health. And that is why Conduit must go. We must get rid of Conduit because my health depends on it. First the organic steak, then sneaking and jumping on me in the gym. I wish it could be any other way (yea right 😉 ), but Conduit must be removed from the house. See ya later fuzzball.


Get Rid of Conduit!!!

Darn it!

Mike here, and I thought I’d update you on our little situation while Cindy is sleeping. See, for her birthday, I got my wife a present. A present that I have begun to think should have been flowers and a gift card to the Gap. Cindy and I had been together for some time now, and we were like two peas in a pod, or well, 2 balls of yarn tied together with the same piece of string. I’ll get to the analogy in a minute, but a sneak preview is: Get rid of Conduit. That’s his name, the other one competing for my affections. And yes, Conduit is our Cat, not another man. That’s why he’s got to go. At least another guy I could get rid of easy, like calling the police and telling them I have a burglar in my house, a little frame-up never hurt anybody right? But now I have a Cat Burglar, one whose little whiskers and soft meowing, seem to make him more fun to spend time with over me. I mean, I even started meowing in Cindy’s ear this morning, and said “meow, meow, time to change my litter hunny”. I think perhaps I wasn’t as suave as Conduit is when he does it. That is why I have to get rid of Conduit; Conduit must go. I even tried cooking a romantic dinner of whiskers cat food, and served it in the little pink dish my wife seems to love to serve Conduit in, but she just made a face and blew out the candles. I think she is starting to wake up now, better try out my second idea of scratching up all her nice clothes. Just kidding. Or am I…
Yours truly,

Get rid of Conduit
Get rid of Conduit!!!
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