Conduit + Cindy + Sun + Cocktails = F U N

Sun block, bikini for me and shimmery designer swimsuit for Conduit, passports, extra dollars for cocktails and massages… We are ready to GO! As for Mike.. blah blah blah. Whatever Mike, Conduit and I are going to have a whale of a time on our vacation and we don’t care about you licking Conduit’s cat food spoon, (which actually means that you are lying about eating Conduit’s food, but who cares) and we also don’t care if you book a ticket. I have hidden all the brochures and the itinerary of our trip well out of Mike’s reach so he will have no idea where we will be. Egypt is big and with his terrible sense of direction chances are that Mike will find himself in Libya or Sudan while we are soaking up the sun, sipping on cocktails and getting massages.

conduit on the beach?
Of course they will worship Conduit in Egypt and who knows, he might stay to be worshipped and fanned down with palm leaves and have delicious slivers of chicken livers carried to him on golden trays by beautiful Egyptian handmaidens. The only friends Conduit will be making are lady kitty friends impressed with his good looks and cool cat attitude. http://www.jokeroo.com/pictures/funny/1154956.html. This is exactly the kind of life the most amazing cat in the world deserves.

On a serious note.. if Mike actually does come to Egypt to find us, he had better hope it’s not in a pyramid where we can ‘lose him’ in a dark passageway. Get rid of Conduit? How about we change this blog to Get rid of Mike!?

Dear Mike, my spoon-licking, cat-hating husband. It is best you leave your bags unpacked and stay at home. I am having the materials and plans for Conduit’s fancy new cat run delivered and I think it is a fantastic idea for you to start building it. It will help you get rid of that unattractive beer belly you’ve developed and keep you out of Conduit’s treats!

#Cindy_looking_forward_to_fun_in_the_sun (and a trimmed down husband!)

Beware Conduit? We’ll see About That!

Flying to vacation with ConduitChicken soup? Dear Mike, I haven’t cooked chicken soup in years. While you were so consumed by wicked thoughts about ways to get rid of Conduit you obviously didn’t notice what you were eating. 
Now, I could be wrong… but I’d bet my bottom dollar that what Mike was eating was some of Conduit’s Purina Fancy Feast, probably his Sliced Chicken Hearts and Liver Feast in Gravy (http://www.fancyfeast.com/gourmet-cat-products/wet-cat-food/sliced/chicken-hearts-liver-feast-in-gravy). Look familiar? Yummy! Now I know why the pet food bill has gone up the past few weeks. Well, it is top rated gourmet cat food and if it is good enough for my Conduit, it has to be delicious, so go for it Mike – I am 100% behind your new eating regime.
Mike’s new diet will also help us save some much needed pocket money for my upcoming vacation with Conduit. Yes, I have decided to take matters into my own hands so Mike no longer has to figure out sneaky plans to get rid of Conduit. I am going to remove Conduit (and me!) from the house for a nice long vacation. Our plans are coming together nicely:
• Pet passport – CHECK
• Person passport – CHECK
• New matching designer vacation outfits for Conduit and I- CHECK


As soon as I can get my annual leave approved, we are hopping on a plane and out of here. Conduit and I are thinking Egypt – at least one place in the world where people know how to treat cats. Did you know that in Egypt killing a cat, even by accident, resulted in the death penalty? Don’t worry Mike… I’ll make sure the pantry is stocked with Purina so you won’t starve while Conduit and I are having fun in the hot African sun.

#Cindy_and_Conduit_Almost_Saying_au_Revoir

Getting Rid of Conduit Won’t Be Easy, Darling

Mike thinks he’s got me on the run with his ideas on how to remove Conduit from my life. Doesn’t he understand that an exotic
vacation is EXACTLY what Conduit and I need… A vacation away from him that is. We don’t care if it’s Alaska, Moscow or Outer Mongolia, for that matter!
Image
So yes, Mike, I HAVE been taking your reason, logic and analytical thinking to heart and am sitting here with Conduit on the lazy boy chair leafing through travel magazines and applying for Conduit’s Pet Passport. You may think it’s going to be easy to get rid of Conduit – but Mike, dearest, it’s time to put on your big boy pants now and stop playing in the kitty litter.

Conduit has the most highly developed set of social skills on the planet. In fact his social, graces are continually putting Mike’s in the shade (probably why he gets so snippy about this sort of thing). My precious feline doesn’t need to ‘get out’ to be able to enjoy life – it’s Mike who needs to go to charm school!
It’s almost as if Mike has some kind of a mental block when it comes to trying so hard to get rid of Conduit. I’ll give you an example…

Continue reading

How to Get Rid of Conduit for Good – Volume 2

remove conduit to moscow

Remove Conduit to Moscow!

Hello again, Mike here. I noticed Cindy did not write anything yet, which I think is a secret sign that I am winning her over and her defenses are starting to break. See, in that last post, I gave some very good reasons as to why we had to remove Conduit from our house. I even offered to send him on a wonderful vacation far away, at this point I am considering Alaska or Moscow. I think it is important for everyone, especially cats, to get out and see the world. This is one of the many reasons that I think we have to get rid of Conduit.

 

He just spends his time in his lazy boy chair, chugging down my beers like they were milk, and is not seeing the world. I am starting to worry that Conduit will lose his social skills if he does not leave soon, and that is why Conduit must go. I already have a great travel agent that can send him packing- I mean help Conduit to pack up any and all necessities that he will need for his adventure. I’ll make sure he has enough milk for the flight, but no beers, as he might get arrested going through airport security. I mean, if I saw that cat I would think he was suspicious. I am thinking Cindy is beginning to come around to my way of thinking, my more logical analytical and sound reasoning, and that is why she has not posted anything recently. Age-old logic and reason beat out sentimentality any day, right? I am sure Cindy will be back soon posting about how badly we have to get rid of Conduit, and then I can finally go back to hitting the gym without worry of Conduit losing his ability to meet other felines. Until next time, fellow cat-removal supporters!
#MikeTheWinner

Get rid of Conduit? I Don’t Think so.

Not getting rid of Conduit

Look at this sweet little thing!! (Conduit – 4 weeks old)

Mike is Going to get rid of Conduit soon…
but, Cindy is going with!

Besides having to stop Mike from trying to get rid of Conduit, I had a great Christmas and by the look of my husband’s waistline, his Christmas could not have been too shabby either. All those beers he is accusing Conduit of swigging? Strange how they go down Conduit’s throat and settle on Mike’s belly… Wish I could eat cake that appears on somebody else’s hips! Well, it is always like that in January, getting over the indulgence of the festive season – some things just don’t change. Unfortunately, our domestic situation hasn’t changed much either. Mike is still not convinced that we should not get rid of Conduit and the situation has reached boiling point over the holiday season…
He talks about Conduit doing a number on his psyche when it has now become obvious that Mike is the one with psyche-ological issues. He is getting sneakier by the second. I heard him on the phone TRYING to give the police a drunk cat tip when I picked up the other extension. Luckily the operator was sensible enough to tell Mike that wasting a law enforcement officer’s time is a felony. Of course, Mike quickly hung up. Besides being so silly as to try to get a cop to kid(cat)nap Conduit, Mike has spent his days lazing about, doing nothing but plotting, guzzling beer and being horrible to Conduit. It looks pretty much like this, and also this.

He is using Conduit as a scapegoat for the beer drinking while also trying to get rid of Conduit at every opportunity. Sure, he pretends to love Conduit but I know it’s not real. What Mike failed to mention in his blog is that he pretended to like Conduit enough over the holidays to take him to the park for a walk but then left him there! He said Conduit ran away, but I know he was the one doing the running away from Conduit, abandoning a defenseless cat in the freezing cold. Luckily, Conduit is fit as well as clever and was wearing his pink glitter onesie to keep him warm – he eventually made his way back home. The poor kitty cat had icicles hanging from his whiskers. I had to cuddle him and feed him warmed up cat milk and cookies on his La-Z-Boy for hours before he felt a bit better. Mike is obviously not interested in spending time with Conduit for real so I think I’m booking a vacation somewhere warm for just me and Conduit soon!

#Cindy_looking_forward_to_a_vacation

Merry Christmas and… No More for Plotting to get rid of Conduit!

Loud belch? That is Conduit whimpering in fear of being forcefully floated to space by Mike! Tie his little paws.. saying he is an alcoholic, calling him fat! How could Mike be so cruel? At first I thought we could sort this out with reasoning, I tried to suggest Mike take some time to get to know our kitty cat instead of plotting to get rid of Conduit but no, he is not interested. Then I thought I have to get tough to get through to him. Well getting tough didn’t work either. When I told Mike that the La-Z-Boy I got him for his birthday is now Conduit’s, he just moved it into the garage and locked Conduit out for good. Then, he started tormenting poor Conduit behind my back (yeah Mike, I see it!). Can you believe that he put scotch tape on Conduit’s paws? When I got home and saw it he said it’s to protect his leather couch from being scratched, but I saw him biting his cheeks, barely controlling cruel laughter. How horrible, poor Conduit was limping around all day long with nobody to comfort him. I also heard him calling Conduit names like fatso, nuisance, terror and ugly fur ball. He even called Conduit stinky farty-twinkle-toes when he was wearing his pink Hello Kitty onesie. Everybody knows that boys and girls can both now wear blue and pink. Does he not know he is hurting Conduit’s feelings? He is the one causing Conduit to comfort eat. If I was insulted all the time I would also be scoffing Ben & Jerry’s by the tub. For a while I lost hope of ever sorting this out and really feared that I could not stop Mike from executing his plan to get rid of Conduit but then I had a brainwave, and it’s all about Christmas. I know exactly what’s on my Christmas list and after Christmas it will be smooth sailing between Conduit and Mike.

Conduit’s Christmas List:

• His own La-Z-Boy
• An ‘I Love My Daddy’ vest like this http://www.miniinthebox.com/i-love-my-daddy-cool-vest-for-pets-dogs-assorted-sizes_p714906.html
• Some more cute cat outfits from Cat Toure http://www.cat-toure.com/category/hoodies
• The Ben & Jerry’s range
• A de-stressing day spa and massage voucher

Mike’s Christmas List:

• Self-help books
• Anger management classes
That should do it, by boxing day we should have all these issues ‘wrapped up’. The three of us could even go on holiday together in the new year.

#Sparkly_Cindy_Ready_For_Christmas

Christmas - How not to get rid of Conduit

Want to get rid of Conduit? Be Afraid… be VERY Afraid

Of course I have CCS. I also have ZTFSS (Zero Tolerance for a Silly Man) and I am getting quite annoyed with Mike and his vendetta against my sweetest sweet Conduit. Maybe I should do what he does and see how it feels. He is plotting to get rid of Conduit, so maybe I should plot to get rid of Mike for a while. Hmm.. I could do with a break away from his madness to spend some quality time with Conduit. We’d eat lovely dinners together, cuddle on the couch and take nice long walks in the park. I’ve placed an online order for Conduit’s very own little leash – encrusted with genuine Swarovski crystals. Now just to get rid of Mike for a week or so before he finds a way to get rid of Conduit first. Maybe if he is away for a while, he will miss Conduit and stop trying to figure out a way how to get rid of Conduit. I can’t believe the things Mike told me this week! First he said that Conduit should be banned from HIS garage (like it’s his and not ours!) because my poor innocent kitty used the garage floor instead of his litter tray. Of course that is not true, Mike must be smelling his sweaty socks he leaves all over the place. When I told him that, he said he can’t be held accountable should one of his weights drop on poor Conduit’s head. As if he ever uses any of those white elephants sitting in the garage. Fancies himself as some muscleman… well I wish he would start exercising another one of his muscles…. the one between his ears! If he thought about it properly, he would see that Conduit is really an excellent family member, more like a child than a pet. He would also start realizing that he is completely delusional about his health and about losing weight, if anything he has gained around his waist from all the beers he is sneaking into the garage – his arms and legs just look skinnier because of the big beer belly. Thanks to my healthy cooking, it is not a serious problem – well not yet. If it was left up to Mike, all he would eat is meat, if I turned my back he’d probably eat Conduit too!
Well, that’s it, if he wants to play games, bring it on! Time for me to start planning too………

#SuperCin

Want to get rid of Conduit?

Want to get rid of Conduit?

Save Conduit!

Ok, my husband has developed some problems. I think he is suffering from feline anxiety syndrome, or possibly cat-aversion-a-ma-litis, or.. he’s just gone nuts. For some reason he has taken a disliking to my sweetest sweet kittycat and has even gone so far as to say he wants to get rid of Conduit. I just don’t get it. We have got to work something out.
Since the day I laid eyes on him, I knew he’d be in my life ’till death do us part. His gorgeous green eyes, his ginger hair… I’m talking about Conduit, not Mike. Sure, I love Mike too but he’s just not making sense lately. I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried suggesting counseling for the two of them, but Mike just did a silent scream and pulled at his hair – see really acting weird… I’ve tried to get him to take Conduit out with him, to the shops, out to see his mates or even to the garage where he is spending a lot of time lately, Mike just shook his head over and over and reversed out of the house – into the garage, of course. I have even made a place for Conduit at the dinner table every night so Mike could get to know him better. Mike just got angry when Conduit’s tail accidentally slipped into his soup. Then Conduit accidentally coughed up a tiny bit of organic steak (he must’ve bitten off a piece too big) and Mike turned redder than the beet in his plate and said: “We are going to get rid of Conduit!”

Well, I’m not having any of that, he gave me the cat for goodness’ sake and I am not going to let him get rid of Conduit. It was the best birthday present by far, like ever. Sure, anything can beat flowers (how unoriginal) and a gift voucher (how unimaginative!) but Mike getting me Conduit sure took the cake and there is no. way. on. earth. I’m going to let him get rid of Conduit.
#Cindy_determined_to_stop_the_MAD_man_Mike

Will not get rid of Conduit

Will NOT! get rid of Conduit

 

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