Conduit + Cindy + Sun + Cocktails = F U N

Sun block, bikini for me and shimmery designer swimsuit for Conduit, passports, extra dollars for cocktails and massages… We are ready to GO! As for Mike.. blah blah blah. Whatever Mike, Conduit and I are going to have a whale of a time on our vacation and we don’t care about you licking Conduit’s cat food spoon, (which actually means that you are lying about eating Conduit’s food, but who cares) and we also don’t care if you book a ticket. I have hidden all the brochures and the itinerary of our trip well out of Mike’s reach so he will have no idea where we will be. Egypt is big and with his terrible sense of direction chances are that Mike will find himself in Libya or Sudan while we are soaking up the sun, sipping on cocktails and getting massages.

conduit on the beach?
Of course they will worship Conduit in Egypt and who knows, he might stay to be worshipped and fanned down with palm leaves and have delicious slivers of chicken livers carried to him on golden trays by beautiful Egyptian handmaidens. The only friends Conduit will be making are lady kitty friends impressed with his good looks and cool cat attitude. http://www.jokeroo.com/pictures/funny/1154956.html. This is exactly the kind of life the most amazing cat in the world deserves.

On a serious note.. if Mike actually does come to Egypt to find us, he had better hope it’s not in a pyramid where we can ‘lose him’ in a dark passageway. Get rid of Conduit? How about we change this blog to Get rid of Mike!?

Dear Mike, my spoon-licking, cat-hating husband. It is best you leave your bags unpacked and stay at home. I am having the materials and plans for Conduit’s fancy new cat run delivered and I think it is a fantastic idea for you to start building it. It will help you get rid of that unattractive beer belly you’ve developed and keep you out of Conduit’s treats!

#Cindy_looking_forward_to_fun_in_the_sun (and a trimmed down husband!)

Traveling Cat

Conduit going on vacation…his final vacation. Cindy accused me of eating Conduit’s cat food, and I think this is one of the reasons Conduit must go. When a grown woman starts to accuse a grown man of eating cat, I think it is a sign that said pet needs to find a new home. I also think it is crazy for anyone to think I was capable of eating cat food, I was only licking the spoon to make sure it was clean for Conduit. 

The Great Sphinx of Giza

I can’t wait until Conduit gets to Egypt, perhaps they will worship him and he will live out his days in a pyramid. Conduit would probably undo all of the ancient cat worshiping if they had just gotten to know him, and what a cat is really capable of. I can’t wait for Conduit to go on his vacation with Cindy, and then hearing hows security would not let him on the plane because of those dangerous claws, shipping him off to a cat detention facility for life. This is why Conduit must truly, go, for Cindy’s safety. Once Conduit joins the “Big House”, he will make all kinda of devious friends and associates, who may eventually wind up at our home too. Maybe I should book a ticket and look out for Cindy before Conduit can go to jail and make all his jailbird friends our new house guests? I will start looking into flights now, and perhaps while we are all in Egypt I can drop Conduit off at the nearest pyramid before Cindy even notices he is missing…

 


#MikeTheNewIndianaJones.

 

 

 

Beware Conduit? We’ll see About That!

Flying to vacation with ConduitChicken soup? Dear Mike, I haven’t cooked chicken soup in years. While you were so consumed by wicked thoughts about ways to get rid of Conduit you obviously didn’t notice what you were eating. 
Now, I could be wrong… but I’d bet my bottom dollar that what Mike was eating was some of Conduit’s Purina Fancy Feast, probably his Sliced Chicken Hearts and Liver Feast in Gravy (http://www.fancyfeast.com/gourmet-cat-products/wet-cat-food/sliced/chicken-hearts-liver-feast-in-gravy). Look familiar? Yummy! Now I know why the pet food bill has gone up the past few weeks. Well, it is top rated gourmet cat food and if it is good enough for my Conduit, it has to be delicious, so go for it Mike – I am 100% behind your new eating regime.
Mike’s new diet will also help us save some much needed pocket money for my upcoming vacation with Conduit. Yes, I have decided to take matters into my own hands so Mike no longer has to figure out sneaky plans to get rid of Conduit. I am going to remove Conduit (and me!) from the house for a nice long vacation. Our plans are coming together nicely:
• Pet passport – CHECK
• Person passport – CHECK
• New matching designer vacation outfits for Conduit and I- CHECK


As soon as I can get my annual leave approved, we are hopping on a plane and out of here. Conduit and I are thinking Egypt – at least one place in the world where people know how to treat cats. Did you know that in Egypt killing a cat, even by accident, resulted in the death penalty? Don’t worry Mike… I’ll make sure the pantry is stocked with Purina so you won’t starve while Conduit and I are having fun in the hot African sun.

#Cindy_and_Conduit_Almost_Saying_au_Revoir

In this week’s blog post, beware Conduit the Cat!

Wow. What a post by Cindy. All I can say is, this Cat has claws. I actually kind of like the idea of Conduit in Outer Mongolia, or maybe send him to Siberia. I guess we will then see how refined he really is, or should I say, re-felined. All we need is Conduit in Mongolia with Cindy and let us see how charming he really is. Away from his fancy bowl, which I have definitely never eater from. Yuck! I can’t believe Cindy would actually suggest that I am eating out of Conduit’s bowl! Especially when it is him eating out of mine! Every time I have Chicken Soup, Conduit waits and watches from his Lazy Boy chair until I get up for a beer run to the kitchen. When I come back, I usually find claw marks by my placemat and the chicken from the chicken soup gone. Cindy thinks I’m nuts for accusing Conduit, but then why does he mysteriously have a chicken bone in his paws? This is why Conduit must really go. When a man can’t have chicken in his chicken soup, his very manliness is at steak- I mean stake. See, Conduit has already gotten me worried about holding on to my meat, the staple food of any real man’s diet. I am a man, and not a mouse. Although I feel like a mouse with Conduit watching my every move. We must get rid of Conduit to protect Chicken Soup within our home, and the sanctity of manliness. Watch out Conduit, things are about to Cat-nip you in the behind!

#ManlyMikeWillPrevail/

 

 

Get rid of Conduit

Getting Rid of Conduit Won’t Be Easy, Darling

Mike thinks he’s got me on the run with his ideas on how to remove Conduit from my life. Doesn’t he understand that an exotic
vacation is EXACTLY what Conduit and I need… A vacation away from him that is. We don’t care if it’s Alaska, Moscow or Outer Mongolia, for that matter!
Image
So yes, Mike, I HAVE been taking your reason, logic and analytical thinking to heart and am sitting here with Conduit on the lazy boy chair leafing through travel magazines and applying for Conduit’s Pet Passport. You may think it’s going to be easy to get rid of Conduit – but Mike, dearest, it’s time to put on your big boy pants now and stop playing in the kitty litter.

Conduit has the most highly developed set of social skills on the planet. In fact his social, graces are continually putting Mike’s in the shade (probably why he gets so snippy about this sort of thing). My precious feline doesn’t need to ‘get out’ to be able to enjoy life – it’s Mike who needs to go to charm school!
It’s almost as if Mike has some kind of a mental block when it comes to trying so hard to get rid of Conduit. I’ll give you an example…

Continue reading

How to Get Rid of Conduit for Good – Volume 2

remove conduit to moscow

Remove Conduit to Moscow!

Hello again, Mike here. I noticed Cindy did not write anything yet, which I think is a secret sign that I am winning her over and her defenses are starting to break. See, in that last post, I gave some very good reasons as to why we had to remove Conduit from our house. I even offered to send him on a wonderful vacation far away, at this point I am considering Alaska or Moscow. I think it is important for everyone, especially cats, to get out and see the world. This is one of the many reasons that I think we have to get rid of Conduit.

 

He just spends his time in his lazy boy chair, chugging down my beers like they were milk, and is not seeing the world. I am starting to worry that Conduit will lose his social skills if he does not leave soon, and that is why Conduit must go. I already have a great travel agent that can send him packing- I mean help Conduit to pack up any and all necessities that he will need for his adventure. I’ll make sure he has enough milk for the flight, but no beers, as he might get arrested going through airport security. I mean, if I saw that cat I would think he was suspicious. I am thinking Cindy is beginning to come around to my way of thinking, my more logical analytical and sound reasoning, and that is why she has not posted anything recently. Age-old logic and reason beat out sentimentality any day, right? I am sure Cindy will be back soon posting about how badly we have to get rid of Conduit, and then I can finally go back to hitting the gym without worry of Conduit losing his ability to meet other felines. Until next time, fellow cat-removal supporters!
#MikeTheWinner

How to Get Rid of Conduit for Good

This past holiday season could not have been more festive, except for the extended stay of our own little orange santa-claws. I tried putting him back up the chimney, but Cindy would have nothing of it. Must be a chick thing?

Holiday with Conduit the cat

Also, I think I am seeing things. I was on Google maps the other day searching for a simple way to get rid of Conduit and send him on his vacation, when Conduit Road in Hong Kong came up. I clicked on Conduit Road and I started liking it more and more. It is very high up within the city and a perfect place for Conduit the Cat to visit for an extended period of time. And what is up with Cindy talking about my belly and my beers? I think she should be worried how Conduit is able to imbibe so much alcohol while keeping off the weight. It’s just not natural. Besides, I have only been gaining weight because Conduit is making me eat too much ice cream. With Conduit taking all of the affections of my wife Cindy, and my beers as well, I have sunk into a depression that causes me to fill the void with Ice Cream. That is my psyche-ological issue. Ha! If it were that simple! I am perfectly fine, except that I am getting Cat-itis, a rare form of a very dangerous condition in which I have to tolerate a small furry beast that pretends to be cute, but is really conniving. I am not sure yet of all of the side-effects of Cat-itis, but I would prefer not to find out. In fact, I really need to save Cindy too, so it is a shame that police officer had not read up on the dangers of Cat-itis on WebMD. He would not take Conduit in for being under the influence, and now Cindy and I are in real danger. That is why I really need to figure out a smart way to Get Rid of Conduit. Conduit must go and this time, he won’t be coming back…

#MikeTheCatWarriorRocks

Get rid of Conduit? I Don’t Think so.

Not getting rid of Conduit

Look at this sweet little thing!! (Conduit – 4 weeks old)

Mike is Going to get rid of Conduit soon…
but, Cindy is going with!

Besides having to stop Mike from trying to get rid of Conduit, I had a great Christmas and by the look of my husband’s waistline, his Christmas could not have been too shabby either. All those beers he is accusing Conduit of swigging? Strange how they go down Conduit’s throat and settle on Mike’s belly… Wish I could eat cake that appears on somebody else’s hips! Well, it is always like that in January, getting over the indulgence of the festive season – some things just don’t change. Unfortunately, our domestic situation hasn’t changed much either. Mike is still not convinced that we should not get rid of Conduit and the situation has reached boiling point over the holiday season…
He talks about Conduit doing a number on his psyche when it has now become obvious that Mike is the one with psyche-ological issues. He is getting sneakier by the second. I heard him on the phone TRYING to give the police a drunk cat tip when I picked up the other extension. Luckily the operator was sensible enough to tell Mike that wasting a law enforcement officer’s time is a felony. Of course, Mike quickly hung up. Besides being so silly as to try to get a cop to kid(cat)nap Conduit, Mike has spent his days lazing about, doing nothing but plotting, guzzling beer and being horrible to Conduit. It looks pretty much like this, and also this.

He is using Conduit as a scapegoat for the beer drinking while also trying to get rid of Conduit at every opportunity. Sure, he pretends to love Conduit but I know it’s not real. What Mike failed to mention in his blog is that he pretended to like Conduit enough over the holidays to take him to the park for a walk but then left him there! He said Conduit ran away, but I know he was the one doing the running away from Conduit, abandoning a defenseless cat in the freezing cold. Luckily, Conduit is fit as well as clever and was wearing his pink glitter onesie to keep him warm – he eventually made his way back home. The poor kitty cat had icicles hanging from his whiskers. I had to cuddle him and feed him warmed up cat milk and cookies on his La-Z-Boy for hours before he felt a bit better. Mike is obviously not interested in spending time with Conduit for real so I think I’m booking a vacation somewhere warm for just me and Conduit soon!

#Cindy_looking_forward_to_a_vacation

New Year’s Resolution – Getting Rid of Conduit!!

Meow.

I mean Wow.

That cat must really be doing a number on my psyche. I can’t believe Cindy went backsies on my Lazy-boy chair, although I completely understand why. It’s called “lazy” and how much lazier can you get then Conduit? That is why I have to finally Get Rid of Conduit. Cindy is encouraging an atmosphere of laziness for this cat, when it should really be learning how to be useful. I mean isn’t it bad enough that Conduit is an alcoholic, now he is becoming addicted to laziness too? I am glad I was able to change the lock on the garage, because Conduit was sneaking in and drinking all my beers. That is really why Conduit must go, and this holiday season he will not be coming ho ho home! Haha! It is too bad Cindy didn’t appreciate the wisdom behind scotch-taping Conduit’s paws, how else can we stop him from drinking so many of my beers? Oh, and that laughter Cindy mentioned when I was biting my cheeks? It was laughter of joy, at saving Conduit from himself! Sheesh, and she really believes I don’t care about him? I mean, if the police came to our home in response to a drunk cat tip, I wouldn’t have to worry about How to Get Rid of Conduit. They would take him away themselves!

Although, I am getting a great idea to both help and get rid of Conduit. For the holidays, Cindy ordered some boring books for me. I think what I will do is take the left over scotch tape from Conduit’s paws and use it to tape him in a UPS box. I will then ship Conduit to a family far away, with lots of mice, in honor of the New Year, and he will also get some much needed rehabilitation. Maybe after a few months away from my garage and my beer he will finally improve. Happy and healthy New Year Conduit! Muaha aha…

#Mike the Excellent Cat-watcher

Happy New Year!!

Conduit, Grumpy cat, Happy new year

This grumpy cat is just hilarious. Why can’t Conduit be more like him?!

Merry Christmas and… No More for Plotting to get rid of Conduit!

Loud belch? That is Conduit whimpering in fear of being forcefully floated to space by Mike! Tie his little paws.. saying he is an alcoholic, calling him fat! How could Mike be so cruel? At first I thought we could sort this out with reasoning, I tried to suggest Mike take some time to get to know our kitty cat instead of plotting to get rid of Conduit but no, he is not interested. Then I thought I have to get tough to get through to him. Well getting tough didn’t work either. When I told Mike that the La-Z-Boy I got him for his birthday is now Conduit’s, he just moved it into the garage and locked Conduit out for good. Then, he started tormenting poor Conduit behind my back (yeah Mike, I see it!). Can you believe that he put scotch tape on Conduit’s paws? When I got home and saw it he said it’s to protect his leather couch from being scratched, but I saw him biting his cheeks, barely controlling cruel laughter. How horrible, poor Conduit was limping around all day long with nobody to comfort him. I also heard him calling Conduit names like fatso, nuisance, terror and ugly fur ball. He even called Conduit stinky farty-twinkle-toes when he was wearing his pink Hello Kitty onesie. Everybody knows that boys and girls can both now wear blue and pink. Does he not know he is hurting Conduit’s feelings? He is the one causing Conduit to comfort eat. If I was insulted all the time I would also be scoffing Ben & Jerry’s by the tub. For a while I lost hope of ever sorting this out and really feared that I could not stop Mike from executing his plan to get rid of Conduit but then I had a brainwave, and it’s all about Christmas. I know exactly what’s on my Christmas list and after Christmas it will be smooth sailing between Conduit and Mike.

Conduit’s Christmas List:

• His own La-Z-Boy
• An ‘I Love My Daddy’ vest like this http://www.miniinthebox.com/i-love-my-daddy-cool-vest-for-pets-dogs-assorted-sizes_p714906.html
• Some more cute cat outfits from Cat Toure http://www.cat-toure.com/category/hoodies
• The Ben & Jerry’s range
• A de-stressing day spa and massage voucher

Mike’s Christmas List:

• Self-help books
• Anger management classes
That should do it, by boxing day we should have all these issues ‘wrapped up’. The three of us could even go on holiday together in the new year.

#Sparkly_Cindy_Ready_For_Christmas

Christmas - How not to get rid of Conduit

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